When Sarah learned of her friend’s new fiancé, she felt depressed.
Gabby is so young and thin, Sarah thought, the perfect vision to attract her desires. Sarah began feeling sick with jealousy. And more, she began to feel repulsed by her own body.
At a celebration dinner, Sarah watched the seemingly perfect woman and her finance display their bliss. Sarah was plagued with thoughts about what blocked her own happiness. Why do some people attract everything? They seem to live charmed lives.
At 59, Sarah felt her own youthfulness as distant. She was overweight and inadequate. She knew this would interfere with her desire to attract the perfect relationship. We all know the perfect man is attracted to the perfect woman, right?
That night she had a dream:
Sarah walked into a large house, a mansion. She was happy and radiant. She could feel her intense focus on what she liked about herself, as well as her ability to ignore what she didn’t like. Who wouldn’t like these curves? And maturity, a bonus in all situations! Sarah had turned her loathing into loving. She somehow cleaned up her negative thinking, then she polished herself into a new radiance. It felt extraordinary!
Walking through the mansion, Sarah notices a man staring at a wall, contemplating artwork. The man is preoccupied and studious. Sarah approaches him. The man turns to her, then falls to his knees weeping.
“What is it?” Sarah asks, kneeling to speak to him.
His speech is full of emotion, “You’re back, I missed you! You have been gone so long.” He embraces her.
Sarah begins to recall times that she worried. When she forgot to love herself. She remembered how she abandoned the good and wonderful parts of herself so that she could focus on fixing what was bad and wrong. Sarah let darkness cloud her radiance. No wonder this man couldn’t find her—she was literally in the dark.
Sarah searched inside herself, she had to locate that unhealed, unloved, rejected person. That part of her that was always broken and never fixed. She found her. That Sarah was full of sad feelings. That Sarah felt unreliable. Unattractive. Sarah thought, “This is my un-self.”
Sarah wanted to hate her un-self, remove her from memory. But a reed thin thought caught her attention. “If I don’t love my un-self, I am not loving my whole being.
When Sarah woke from the dream, she thought of her radiance. Except, that radiance isn’t just part of a dream. It is within. If she were to clear her negative thinking, she could remind the un-self how much she loves it. Sarah began her commitment right away.
“I will remind my sub-conscious mind of all the love I have to give myself!”
Another epiphany settled into Sarah’s awareness. “I have been working on repair all this time, thinking that if I were fixed my life would be perfect. That wasn’t a lover in my dream, that was the masculine part of me. I am that mansion. Within that place, my feminine perfection was embraced by my masculine empowerment. He wept for me. Now, I vow, he will celebrate with me!”
After some stern self talk, Sarah decided that she was done with societal pressure to believe she was less than anything. She loved her inner home, unconditionally. Sarah healed the former broken, always needing repair, example of womanhood she had been living with for many years. She embraced her Divine Masculine presence, envisioned it joined with her Divine Feminine wisdom, and decided to listen to her unified self from now on.
She said aloud, “I am Sarah. I am whole and healed. I am radiant.”
originally written 2014.9.21
613 word count